Billie Holiday and the Grain of Voice

I was not sure if we were going to bring back Billie Holiday, so I will go ahead and share a personal story which may, in a way, illustrate Barthes' grain of voice.

The first time I heard "Strange Fruit" was in the 2nd grade. I was playing Monopoly with my parents in the living room and the radio was tuned to a jazz station which was mostly playing big band music. This song, sung by Billie Holiday, came on after and I had such a strong reaction which I now understand differently through the reading on Barthes. Being 6 or 7, I did not understand the metaphor of lynching, let alone really take any meaning from the lyrics. At that age, lyrics did not communicate to me, they were just the tool which allowed me to participate in the singing-along to a song. But I knew that there was something about this song, and something specifically about Holiday's singing, which made me uneasy. I did not know if the song was particularly sad or happy, but I knew that there was something in her voice, not entirely in the words, not entirely in the melody, it was precisely the point in which music entered the language. This friction, which is the grain (and is there not a more 'grainy' voice than Holiday's?) which I embodied and experienced as something coming from an ugly place. I responded in the only way I could, being confused and uncomfortable, I cried. With my parents prompting me to explain myself, all I knew how to say to convey my feelings was "I don't like this song." Not because I thought it was a bad song, but because the effect the voice had on me and the way I felt was not a knowledge, but an experience of embodiment, the very body which is the source of such a disgust and disparity. My body felt as if it housed a cancer, pulsing then spreading with each annunciation, a sensation which I could only find unpleasant at the time. Also, I was uncomfortable because I had never experienced any sort of aesthetics so strongly, having only before been mesmerized by the television screen. My parents thinking my response was an excuse for being a sore-loser, ended the game deciding I was too sensitive to play Monopoly.

Although I think most of us would agree that this song is beautiful, brilliant, sad, whatever adjective you like... I think the only way I can accurately describe this song is that it is difficult to listen to.